The Fear of Change & Changing Fear

I’m writing this as I lay in bed, pondering my inability to move forward energetically into a new and better way of life. Every time I try, things go well at first—until something happens. Maybe I get triggered, or maybe I lose momentum—and I fall. It happens again and again, and I find myself wondering if I’m done with picking myself back up. That train of thought, though, feels so weak.

Maybe it’s my mind that’s weak. Or is it my will? I’m just exploring here, but it feels like there’s a consciousness within me that’s so bright, so eager to emerge, yet somehow, it’s being held back. It’s as if I won’t let her come through.

Why?

As I sit here questioning, tears gather at the edges of my eyes. An emotion rises from my belly, from my heart. What is it that you’re afraid to admit, K?

I remember times when I allowed my light to shine, and I was hurt. I was attacked. Every time I express myself, it feels like my soul is under fire. How? By caring so much about what people think, what they say, what they do in response. And what is this place between myself and my greatest potential? It’s a space of learning, of remembering, of catching up. A puddle of wisdom I need to walk through instead of avoid.

I want to change but...

Wanting isn’t enough—it must become a need if it’s ever to take root. Why wait until rock bottom to change? What’s stopping me? The discomfort. The unfamiliar. The what-ifs.

Turning point…

I’m so sick of being someone I don’t want to be. I’m sick of the excuses for why I shouldn’t do this or that. I just want to live with purpose, with drive, with excitement. I want to build a life where my creative pursuits support my existence, where my time isn’t traded for a paycheck. And here’s the truth: the only thing standing in the way of that life is me.

I keep coming back to this wall, a barrier built from fear and comfort zones, excuses and old habits. I’ve been clinging to the familiar even though I know it’s keeping me in a life that feels hollow. I see flashes of that potential life—the one where I’m free, creating without limit, earning from my passion, where my energy is my own to channel wherever I want. But as soon as I try to break through, that wall rises up, daring me to step back into safety.

But what is safety, really, if it keeps me from being who I’m meant to be?

There’s a version of me on the other side of this wall, and I can almost feel her calling to me. She’s living her life boldly, unapologetically, fully engaged in her creative purpose. She’s not just existing; she’s thriving, fulfilled, joyful. And I realize now: to become her, I have to shed the weight of who I’ve been clinging to.

So maybe this is it—the turning point where want becomes need. Where waiting for things to change becomes a decision to change. I don’t have to hit rock bottom to step into my power. I just have to choose to walk through the discomfort and trust that each step forward is moving me closer to the life I actually want.

It’s time to leave behind the excuses, the fear, and the old patterns. It’s time to break through, to give my true self permission to emerge without looking back, without apologizing, without holding back. Because this isn’t just about living; it’s about being alive, fully, deeply, and with purpose.

And maybe, just maybe, it’s about time.